Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
