If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
