New invention idea: vibrating tampons
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize