1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Hippo gnu deer
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
