Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
