I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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