so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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