if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
