there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my shit smells like andre
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
