I bet he comes in French.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
