you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He has the fingertips of a God
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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