um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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