Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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