I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
