she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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