It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
