i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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