The maid of honor just puked.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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