I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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