Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
