About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
