made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
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