I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
