I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
