Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize