My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
