mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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