How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
