I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
