hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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