I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
