guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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