dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Randomize
