dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
