This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
