this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
be right there i have to get my cape
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
