Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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