i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
