If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize