i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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