she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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