Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
