I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
