Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
