non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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