$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
So many bounce houses so little time
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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