I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
