i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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