Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
