I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
