I think I died a long time ago.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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