she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
