i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize