toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
