Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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