I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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