This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
