Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
