it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
