New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Randomize