I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
