I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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