being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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